So it's been a while

*wave*

goodness, this feels like an awkward reunion. There's so much on here I'd forgotten.

So much History.

Lots of times over the last 4 months I've wondered if I'd ever write on here again, and even now I only started to write an End.

Hearts are strange and wonderful, powerful and destructive. They can heal and they can break. They can inflict greater damage than the worst war, yet in a single beat they can save and restore hope. Some people can control their heart, I'm secretly quite glad I'm not one of that number.

Also I'd like to pay homage to my brain. I've been trying to follow my heart and think with my head; the pairing seems to be going well! But competing with that muscle is not easy - we got there in the end.

I'm not sure if I should write an apology to Jon. I behaved... badly. But for some reason his past behaviour seems to negate my affair. If I could go back, I would only have changed the date I left him. The 6 months of "getting the best of both worlds" should not have happened but then again, on some level it was exciting, fun and fulfilling.

Even though James had his woman (it's not for me to comment on the difficulties that he was going through) I trusted him on a level that I never trusted Jon on. James is my best friend, the one person I can spend 24 hours a day with an not feel annoyed or unhappy once.

In my heart Jon had become this man of super hero proportions who was so wonderful and amazing - but when pushed all of the memories were a lifetime ago. My heart still longs for Jon occasionally, but then the weight of those problems we faced come screaming back - that night he ruined my last party time before exams, he never read my dissertation, the obsessive behaviour over his phone, the fact he aways left me, he hated my favourite music...

James is far still far from perfect! His OCD is sometimes... obsessive. He's incredibly private. I don't think he'll ever "need" me in the same way Jon did. But I know he loves me, on a level where even if he doesn't like to say it - i know.

So yes, I still feel a little lost without Jon.

I still check every ambulance I see.

I'll always have a fully stocked first aid kit under my sink.

But I make tea milk last now

I have discussions about Chemistry and what level on Guitar Hero I'm on.

James said that I will always have a home with him, because with him -

I'm home.