Afters

Me: Hey, I'm glad things aren't awkward after, well you know.
James: Why would they be, and any way didn't you pick denial?

*long pause*

Me: NEVER TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!

Ode to Bill

Bill:

I leave you alone for one weekend and you manage to electrocute yourself in a shower vs. fire alarm situation.

I hope your naked man chest grows back soon. ( I know it's cold, and your nipples need the extra protection because you are so tall it's at least 2 degrees colder up there. )

Jen.

P.s I've stopped laughing now, honest.

24 Hour Care.

That's what I need.

some more rules, and interesting points.

• Do not ever combine perfume, Beer, and a general need for affection with a man.
• Do not ever combine aftershave, Beer, and a general need for affection with a woman.
• If you are mortally embarrassed by your behaviour the previous evening, the library is the best place to hide/take cover/ hang head in shame while drinking coffee and typing Dissertation.
• there is flirting, then there is Flirting With Intent. Always decide which one you are partaking in before.. well.. partaking.
• Thou Shalt Always Sleep In Own Bed.

options options options.

1. Denial. I like it. Effective. To the point. "What are you talking about?" " Me sleeping in your bed?" " Never happened" "Must be a figment of your imagination, filthy man"
2. Apology. Perhaps. But that admits that something happened doesn't it. And I'm not sure that it did. Did it? Damn drinking too much Asian beer.
3. The Conversation about it. You are bloody joking?
4. Be Cool. Ooh. I like it. m. Not really possible as I am by definition Un Cool.

Denial it is then.

*put up hood*

....I'm off to the library to hide again.... you never saw me. K?

A bridge over the river Cam

Not sure if that is really where it gets it's name from, but it should.

So I wandered off to the Oxbridge city for my PGCE interview for Secondary Maths on Monday. Lovely city, reminded me a lot of The Berry of Cant. As i got there an hour early, and was sick of the sound of my own voice( more in a mo) I had a bit of an explore with Mr TomTom. Wanted to scout out some pretty colleges.

Ah. No. Mr TomTom does not work in The North of England. He send me down a one way street. The. Wrong. Way.... Oops?

So yes: The Interview. There were 3 of us ladies there, all applying for Maths. They were lovely and we all clicked straight away. The interviewers were one bloke, teacher moderately fit, and one lady, wouldn't want to meet her down a dark ally.

First task was to "have a go" at an old piece of GCSE coursework, which they then collected in. Hum. My random scribbles might not have made sense, but I did work out the formula for modeling the pattern.

After that we all had a chat about our old maths teachers - I thought I came across well.

Then there was a written assessment (Pooooooo). Mine was crap because there was a really tight time limit, which means my handwriting and spelling go down hill. No. I didn't tell them I was dyslexic - I never do for interviews.

After that we gave a 5 minute presentation on any topic we wanted, as long as it wasn't maths or religion. I did "The 7 Harry Potter books in 5 minutes" Got some cheap laughs and I was the only one without powerpoint and notes. Good thing? Maybe. Shows I can stand up in front of people without any backing.

Last buy by no means least, The Personal Interview Of Death (not the official title). I was the ONLY ONE they asked specific "How would you teach this.." questions to. Rubbish. Will I really not get a place because I couldn't remember how to teach fractions to a year 7 class...??!!

or that however much you try to justify it 0.9 recurring will never quite be 1...??!!! (She tried to prove that it did, but i'm not sure it was correct)

mmm..

It took 3 hours to get home, but I did have an interview from some big computing firm offering me an assessment day. Whoop! oh. poo. It's the day after my work piss up Christmas partay. Oh well, at least I'm already in London.

AAAaaand we've just booked the table for our House Christmas Meal. :-D

Busy Busy Busy.

More on Oxbridge later...

... but for now I would like to state that having shaving foam in your ear is not pleasant James!

Splashy Splashy!

Things that confuse people

Turning up at TheOldBoss's Birthday partay (As in she was my boss, not that she is old.. well, she's older now obviously.. mm.. shoosh) with TheOldOfficeFlirt (as in, he WAS the office flirt, not that he is... mmm)

So.

My point?

yeah.

So.

Don't turn up to a work doo with an old colleague you used to flirt with. You WILL get funny looks.

Let that be a lesson to ya all!

I have never...

fancied very nearly everyone in a film before.

then I watched 300.

Ooooooooh Send me to Sparta!

Ahem. "This is not madness! This. Is. Sparta!"

oooh! goosebumps. ooooh!

Negotiations.

Over dinner:

Jen: Flange Buckets
James: What?
Jen: It's Friday.
James: This is a bad thing?
Jen: Yes. That discount thing at a Well Known Department Store finishes today.. I wanted to finish my shopping.
James: It finishes at like midnight... Shall we go?
Jen: What time is it?
James: Like 7.
Jen: But my bangers and mustard mash!
James: Well finish eating, stwpid, then we'll go.
Jen: Bus?
James: I'm poor. Walk?
Jen: It's cold. Bus?
James: You have gloves. Walk?
Jen: Bus, Bus, Bus, Bus, Bu...
James: I have beer. Walk?
Jen: Bu.. - How much beer?
James: Two cans each.
Jen: Canoe sex*?
James: Indeed. Chav-Tastic.
Jen: Am I allowed to wear my hoodie and drink chav beer?
James: Only of you talk common to me, you know I like it.
Jen: You'll carry bags, Supply beer; I'll talk dirty and walk in the cold?
James: Yip.
Jen: Done. *shoves sausage in mouth*


* Sex in a canoe = fucking close to water.

made me laugh...

From LilSis

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A do-you-think-he-saw-us..

Badum pa!

Mrs Sarah's Mum

So, is Jen seeing Bill now?
No Mother, Just because they spend a lot of time together does not mean they are together.

*enter me and Bill*

For goodness sake woman, Hush your brow.
You're only saying that because you know I'm right - and stop telling me to shoosh...
Well then Shoosh!...

Maybe they got married really quickly....

------------------
Happy graduation Mrs Sarah!

Question:

"You could have £1,000,000 if you promised never to see or speak to one person ever again. Who would stop you taking the money?"

James: My Lady.
Crunchy: My Man.
Intel: money money money money money.
Me: Jon.
James: Uh huh. Are you sure?
Me: Poo. I forgot about everything again.
James: So?
Me: Yeah, Still Jon.
James: Arw, Bless... Must be Love.

Official Secrets Act

ITN has just asked:

"We are looking forward to hear any stories you might have if you work in The Department or have done in the past. Of course we will protect your anonymity"

Ahem:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Official_Secrets_Act

Section 7 - defines the circumstances under which a disclosure of secret information is officially published. It is not a crime to disclose information that has been officially published according to the mechanism described in this section.

and!

Section 5 - further disclosure or publication of information obtained in contravention of other sections of the act. It allows, for example, the prosecution of newspapers or journalists who publish secret information leaked to them by a crown servant in contravention of section 3. This section applies to everyone, regardless of whether they are a government employee, or whether they have signed the act.

isn't it strange that until they asked for stories I was thinking the whole thing was a bit funny. Now I just feel a bit defensive.

Bang Bang

... and again.

--------------------------------------

"I'm suddenly very aware that i'm lying on my car keys. I could be there in an hour or so"
"That doesn't sound sensible Jon"
"When have we ever been sensible?"
"....."
"Fair point. See you in an hour and a bit then."
" You do know that's exactly what you said nearly 18months ago?"
"I remember"
"Me too"

Bang

That was me being shot.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Jon Delaunt
Sent: 18 November 2007 18:37
To: Jennifer Watson
Subject: RE: The super information highway

The first & second of three articles on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plait may be of interest to you as to describe the origin of the word “plait”. Being close to the word “pleat” it has been contrived into the way we know it now.

I’m going to ring you, if that’s alright?



From: Jennifer Watson
Sent: 18 November 2007 18:49
To: Jon Delaunt
Subject: RE: Plait really should not have an "I" in it.

Nowhere. Is the sensible answer.


From: Jon Delaunt
Sent: 18 November 2007 18:37
To: Jennifer Watson
Subject: RE: The cat just bit me

No really, she had a proper munch on my hand. I probably shouldn’t have been annoying her.

There are lots of things that I still do/say/think that remind me of you. Just little silly things that have developed over time. I guess old habits are hard to break! I don’t want Michelle to plait my beard or search for grey hairs (which wouldn’t take long). There’s only one person who did that.

Where are we going with this? We keep saying things that we shouldn’t say and that are going to get us into trouble.


From: Jennifer Watson
Sent: 18 November 2007 17:29
To: Jon Delaunt
Subject: RE: Isn't the weather cold?!

Shit. What have I done? You’re right – don’t tell anyone I said that – I’d never go for Matt. And now I can’t think of anything to say. I could claim to have seen a different side to him, but I haven’t. I could say that it’s got nothing to do with the fact that if I can’t have you I’ll bloody well have the next best thing, but you’ll see right through me wont you? I just wanted to be wanted. I guess I just didn’t admit by whom.

You, jealous? You must be not feeling like yourself!

Again RE: team playing, if I’m honest I don’t think you can do anything from the friend side of the fence. And that only leaves the other side, and we’re not going there. Stale mate really.

You know I never knew you even noticed my Friday message? Did you know that my phone is devoid of silly jokes? (god this email is taking ages, and I haven’t even written anything) . I’m currently hating all the beard jokes and hair cut teasing routines we have, cause they’re all on the tip of my tongue. Maybe I should tell Michelle to plat your beard for you, or search for grey hairs.

I put the milk in first in my tea now, did you know that? Don’t know why I just thought of that.

You always looked lovely to me, big beard and all.

Sorry, I don’t think I should have said that. Why haven’t I deleted it…

From: Jon Delaunt
Sent: 18 November 2007 17:07
To: Jennifer Watson
Subject: RE: I've changed the bloody subject

I thought I wouldn’t read it again as well, but I’d been on the go for 22 hours and was going a LITTLE bit crazy. I didn’t quite understand that you just needed a distraction, but at that time of the morning, my brain couldn’t quite fathom that you’d always said you wouldn’t go for Matt and I got very confused and felt a bit… weird. I’m still trying to work out what that feeling was, because I don’t want to admit that it was jealousy. Ok, so I just did, but don’t tell anyone.

Re: acting as a team, I know what you mean. It would have been so much easier wouldn’t it? I have been doing a lot of thinking (especially after our two and three quarter hour phone call last Thursday) and realised that some of what you said was true and fair, some of it was not, some of what I said was helpful, some wasn’t. Even if I don’t want anything else, I honestly think I should be helping you get through this. But the reality is that I don’t know what to do.

As for what I want…. Yeah, I need to know what it feels like to be attractive again. I haven’t shaved, my beard needs a trim and my hair is getting stupidly large. You would, if nothing else, at least laugh at that. I tried combing my hair, shaving and putting shirt & trousers on for work, but it didn’t do anything. In fact, I looked like a bloody mess at work this week. Same as you, I don’t expect pity, but I don’t think there’s anyone to make an effort for. At least, no one who would appreciate the effort. And Friday came & went and I stared at my phone again, knowing full well that a message would not appear asking how my students did, but I stared all the same. I’m a bit of a mess as well by all accounts. James didn’t know what to do with me last night in the truck, except (for once!) stop talking at me and just keep quiet!! Perhaps I should appear truly miserable more often! Oh, and the worst part? No one around to understand why (even if there is no real reason) I am grumpy. Michelle (*his housemate*) just gave me a funny look.

And I don’t think you’re being a Drama Queen. And I’m certainly not going to do the patronising thing of saying, “there, there, chin up, that’s a good show.” Which, if anyone has done to you, feel free to let loose a four-letter tirade of abuse at them!

I haven’t really achieved anything with this e-mail. I certainly haven’t answered any of the relevant questions. Oh bugger.

Incidentally, you know my blog has gone invite-only? No one has been invited. And I still haven’t posted a single thing.



From: Jennifer Watson
Sent: 18 November 2007 16:35
To: Jon Delaunt
Subject: RE: *Delete this please*

Sorry you read all that. I did check before hand, and you hadn’t read it for ages, I thought.. well.. you wouldn’t.

Here’s something that’s not on that bloody blog:

I needed to feel attractive, sexy, like a woman again. Not like someone who still can’t sleep and has leaped to the front of a 3 week queue for counselling because she is so messed up. ( don’t pity me please.. I don’t say this to make you feel bad) So I tarted myself up and threw myself at the nearest bloke who I knew was slightly interested. It didn’t work… I just looked like a fool. A confused fool. Don’t you see that I needed to distract myself?

Any way. Enough of my embarrassments.

What do I want? Good question. For none of this to have happened? Maybe. To be able to get through The Thing as a team, like we always said? Always. To stop pretending that I’m ok? No. Cause then I have to admit how much you not being here still hurts. I’m doing a brilliant job of pretending. Guess Drama Queens run in the family.

What do you want?

J

From: Jon Delaunt
Sent: 18 November 2007 16:06
To: Jennifer Watson
Subject: RE: *Delete this please*

I’ve been thinking since you sent this e-mail about what to say back. I just don’t know what you want to hear, as you said.

I did something I shouldn’t have done last night. I got in from Red Work around 04:30 and in a confused and rambling state read your blog. I don’t know what to do, think, say or anything. I should not have read it, because I did not sleep at all well thereafter. It just totally messed with my head.

What do you want? That’s the easiest way for me to gauge what I am supposed to say: to know what I am aiming for at least.



From: Jennifer Watson
Sent: 13 November 2007 17:04
To: Jon Delaunt
Subject: *Delete this please*

I know you don’t want to speak so I didn’t ring.

However much I think about what happened, and what we said, this is not about that.

I know you don’t care about me anymore, though maybe if you’re reading this you do.

I’m a mess.

I nearly drove to see you today. I know, daft eh.

I can deal with what happened at the weekend, but I can’t deal with the miscarriage. I’m trying, I really am. But I’m so alone. I feel like I’ve lost everything.

I know you don’t know what to say.

I know you don’t know what I need.

I just need you.

X

Flange. Flange. Flange Monkeys

I'm emailing him.

He's replying.

Shoot me. Shoot me now.

No Good Will Come Of This Jennifer.

I will say "I told you so"

Hair

you know you are not quite right in the head when you stand in front of the mirror for 15 Min's wondering if you should dye your blond hair black.

I think it would be nice and dramatic. You know, tortured soul and all that.

ooh. Dark red nails as well.

Too Emo?

Rules

1. Never write anything on blog that you wouldn't tell everyone anyway
2. Never write just part of the story on blog
3. always admit when you are just distracting your brain from thinking about awful things by flirting with other things.
4. never talk about fight club

So, about Matt...

neuuwwwghhh*

* and other noises.

Went to see Matt on the way to meet up with Pops in South West London. Neuugghhhh! I hadn't even climbed out of the car before the questions started. So embarrassing. No one should have to stand there and listen to all the reasons not to be with you - even if they're not about you!!

His points:
He's worried about me (quite rightly so, my brain is the consistency of porridge)
He's too busy
....
.... I'm sure there were more. Oh well.

I did - however - notice that when I suggested that the fact that he and Jon are friends and I am Jon's Ex might be a reason to add to the list above it was very quickly dismissed. Selective morals I see.

During this Big Talk did i say anything useful? Nope.
Did I try to regain any high ground? Nope.

you know why? This man just turns me to jelly!!!

Plan of attack: Be aloof. I want him to tear up that stupid list and come up with one based on reasons to be with me. Ah ha. The Red Dress might have to come out. I wonder if I can get him to The Snow Ball.

or

Give up now?

ggggggrrrnnaauughhhh!

Man Eater?!?

Got up early ( 0700!) yesterday to drive to South London to help Matt & Family move house.

I'll skim the tea making, hoovering, dusting and shouting at removal men (too much fun!)

In Matt's room he has a tropical fish tank, a big un. And it needed the fish removing, the gravel removing, the water removing.... blah blah blah.

Now, I am from The Country side so not adverse to a little mud and muck, however this fish tank was SO MINGING! It did not help that I was trying to look "Cool" and "Sexy" in front of Matt. For the record - very difficult to do when you have fish poo on your arms... face... clothes... hair

Then something strange happened... Apparently helping a man clean his fish tank IS sexy. [ I now openly admit that I do not understand the male species at all, nada, niente, I give up] This was displayed by the well known flirting technique - Splashy Splashy

So what did I do? Splashy splashy back of course!

Apparently splashy splashy back is Man Cue for "Chase the girl round the room with fish poo". Now, I can't let this kind of behaviour go un punished so... well.. i.. stuck fish poo in his ear. :-D
(I'll accept my round of applause later).

Basically all this was followed by a wrestling match on the floor with fish poo covered cloths, until Matt's Mother shouted at us to stop behaving like children.

It was right then when one part of my brain noticed that Matt has lovely eyes.
It was right then when the other part of my brain wondered if Matt was a good kisser.

again, skimming parts containing cleaning, carrying, loading Missy (my car, pay attention) and unloading Missy, getting bacon sarnies

It was a very long day so I'm just going to note some key things:

The hug that lasted too long after one of the fish kicked the underwater bucket.
"I wonder if our first house will have this much stuff in it" - Matt
"Thank you for being wonderful with my Mother" - Matt
Fish Poo War's Mark 2.

Then Dinner. Me, Matt and his Parents. Lovely, just lovely. Doors opened for me, Chairs pulled out, my coat taken. Have I mentioned Lovely? It was late (gone 10) so we left.

He dropped me back at The New House to pick up Missy. I walked to my car. I got in the car. I couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed that I didn't get to find out about the kiss. Now this next part is so very very typically me. I've pulled this move before to great effect.

I got out of the car. Damn it, if my kiss was not coming to me, I was going to go get my kiss. Tis 2007 after all. And I'd cleaned fish poo.

I walked to The New House and knocked. No answer. Hum. Well, It's -56 degrees C out here, and I'm not giving up that easily. I walked in the door, up stairs and into his bedroom where he was moving the fish. (I already knew he would be there, ballsy yes, psychic no.)..................

.......................

...... "what kind of gentleman would I be.."
......."Jen.. This is not a no.."
/me stomps downstairs wondering if I've missed something out of the Never Failed Me Before kiss grabber.
......." Doesn't sound like a yes Matt"
/me slams door. Fuck it's cold out here.
/me drives (too fast) through some strange countryside style roads within the M25
*Phone rings*
/me curses not turning on my bluetooth handsfree kit
/me scrabbles for phone
/me thanks the fact that bluetooth is not on cause Matt is calling me.
*Voice Message*
*Text message*
I managed to slow down enough to receive my voicemail
" *sigh*.. you have no idea how much effort it took not to run out of the door after you and say "I've changed my mind, come back".... maybe I should explain myself.... call me when you're ready, bye"

and text message [service station stop this time]

" I should have taken more time to explain... What I meant to say is that I don't want to take advantage of anyone who is still getting over something. Much as I would like too... x"

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh see. Told you it worked. I was just up against morals.

I got home (quickly) and recounted story of day to James with cup of tea in hand.

"The fact it didn't work just makes you want him more doesn't it?"
"Bollocks"
"Jen, I know you'll struggle with this. But please Be Cool! He sounds like a nice bloke."
"Bollocks"
"Yes, that too. Now I'm going to bed. You're not going to try and snog me are you?"
"No, you are safe for tonight sexy"
"good good, I'm too tired for all this philandering."

Shopping with Boys

So me Bill and James have piled into my beautiful car with the intent of invading the well known shopping world - Bluewater.

It always tickles me that in our dis-used quarries in Cornwall we build gardens but in Kent they build shops!

My Manly Protectors and moi did a complete lap with the intention of buying all our Christmas pressies in one go therefore being "organised". Neh, was not to be.

I got distracted by shoes, surprising I know. The Male Protectors provided a useful barrier between me and all shoe/boot related shops. (damn them for being so efficient)

James got distracted by the iPhone. Bill and Moi provided no protection at all, so we spent half hour going "oooooooooo" in an O2 store. me. want. one.

Bill forgot he was shopping and bought precisely.... Nothing. Maybe I didn't explain shopping to him properly.

I did find Mum's birthday and Christmas pressie form Me and Lil Sis, and I did find ribbon... and Lil Sis's pressie. I also Rec'd Celebrity Blog Reader's pressie. Sorted.

Then. It. All. Went. Down. Hill.

Wandered into S&M to find Jame's mum a "Long red scarf" and ended up trying on a gorgeous red dress. Which shall now be known as The Red Dress.... cause I bought it.

So now i need to convince people to go to the Snow Ball with me :-)

Date offers anyone?

The Move

I'm off into London tomorrow to help Matt move house.

I've warned him that I have no upper body strength.......

wait a moment....

didn't I beat two MEN at boxing on the Wii the other night....

... hum...

Must be the spinach.

Dear Bill and James

Dear Bill and James,

I know I'm rubbish with words - and I'll just turn it into a Big Joke or make my usual Witty Comments - But thank you.

I had a lovely time today at Bluewater... but guess what... I haven't cried today. Not once.

I know you both are fed up with me snotting on your shoulders and talking about "icky girl things".

Thank you for letting/making me try on The Red Dress, and then for looking at me like I was actually attractive (when I know you only saw snotty nose me)

You don't know how much it means.

Jen
x x

p.s Bill - Stop the dancing - you are not 12
p.p.s James - I hope your Lady appreaciates how lovely you are.

Clouds

Black mood today.

More later.

Can some one please just come and hold me?

How am I supposed to get through The Thing I Can't Say without him?

Jon, I need you.

Why are you not here?

I woke up this morning needing you
to hold me where I lay.
My dreams have reached a new level:
It's in my nightmares I pay.

Why are you not here?
Is what I long to ask.
But you never really were
Why did I come last?

Out of the cold bed I crawl,
stumble on the day.
The sun is dark, the clouds seem heavy
How much do feelings weigh?

Keep busy, get drunk, go out and play!
when all I want to do is scream,
get off of me and let me go.
Just let my tears stream.

I can't even say the word.
The one that made you leave.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Why didn't you let me grieve?

In my heart I still wish you'd call.
That I can lean on you when I can't walk.
That in the dark I could search for you
... but no.... it is to myself I talk.

I'm in bed, it's late, the TV is on.
I'm the only one awake.
I can see the bad dreams seeping through
the window, the key hole, the drapes

I woke up this morning needing
you to hold me where I lay.
My dreams have reached a new level:
It's in my nightmares I pay.

Today

I am sad

:-(

How to confuse an Ex - By Jen Watson

OOps?

-----------------------

hey
Between Clark Kent and You


Jennifer Watson
Today at 3:51pm
am I an awful person?


Clark Kent
Today at 3:52pm
why are you asking me?

Jennifer Watson
Today at 3:54pm
becasue i'm lost. And you were always... there.

Clark Kent
Today at 3:55pm
I was a long time ago.


Jennifer Watson
Today at 3:58pm
I know. And this is nothing like that. I guess I just...You know what. It doesn't matter.


Clark Kent
Today at 4:02pm
Ive got a couple of minutes spare so you may as well say what you have to say and ill say what i can to make you feel better about yourself but at the end of the day, whatever it is, it doesn't matter what i say, you know you've already made your mind up about it.


Jennifer Watson
Today at 4:04pm
ok. I deserved that.

I had a miscarriage. He left me.

How do I make my mind up about that?


Clark Kent
Today at 4:07pm
I see. Whats there to make your mind up about? Doesn't look like it has anything to do with you, its his issue and if you want him back, you need to find out what that issue is i guess. Sounds to me like hes being a coward.


Jennifer Watson
Today at 4:11pm
I don't want him back.And i didn't start talking to you because I wanted to talk about him.My head's all over the place - I just wanted some re assurance that there is nothing wrong with me really. (not mentally, there's loads i know!!!)


Clark Kent
Today at 4:13pm
I dont know if theres anything physically wrong with you, thats C's department im afraid.Im sure your fine. What happened?


Jennifer Watson
Today at 4:16pm
Maybe I can buy you a beer at Christmas?


Clark Kent
Today at 4:17pm
I doubt ill be about, but maybe. You ok?


Jennifer Watson
Today at 4:21pm
not particularly. But I will be. Bill's been a superstar.Thanks for listening, I know you didn't want to :-P


Clark Kent
Today at 4:23pm
Im not saying i didn't want to but its just not really my job anymore. And hasn't been for a very long time. I can never really just walk away, kind of a curse. Bill is amazing. Im sure hell help all he can.Im sorry to hear your not ok. Good luck feeling better.

Britney

I'm standing in the middle of my room singing "Hit me baby one more time" into my hair brush while doing the dance mooooves I learnt off a DVD I bought Lil Sis AGES ago.

bring on the pig tales.

God bless Scott Mills.

Foundations

Foundations

Thursday night,
everything's fine,
Except you've got that look in your eyes,
when I'm telling a story
And you find it boring you're thinking of something to say.
You'll go along with and then drop it
And you Humiliate me, in front of our friends.
Then I'll use that voice what you find annoyin'
And say something like"intelligent input darlin' why don't you just have another beer then?"
Then you call me a bitch and everyone we're with will be embarrassed,
and I won't give a shit.

My fingertips are holding onto the
cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go, but I can't.
And everytime we fight I know its not right,
everytime that your upset and I smile
I know I should forget, but I can't.

You said I must eat so many lemons,
'cause I am so bitter.
I said "I'd rather be with your friends mate,
cause they are much fitter"
Yes it was childishand you got aggressive
and I must admit that I was a bit scared,
but it gives me thrills to wind you up.

My fingertips are holding onto the
Cracks in our foundations,
and I know that I should let go,
but I can't.
And everytime we fight,
I know its not right,
every time that your upset and I smile,
I know I should forget,
but I can't.

ok. I looked.

Jon's made his blog invite only. 5 main points really.

1. I guess I'll never know if he meant to do alot of the things he did.
2. Initial feeling - a slap in the face
3. Second feeling - I wouldn't read what I needed to hear any way
4. I already know he's doing the "Jen is a psycho bitch" rant, I don't need it confirmed.
5. I know he thinks I'm making all this stuff up to piss him off

on part 5, If you found out you had hurt someone you....

i want to say love/loved/care/cared/respect/respected ... but I'm not sure any of them fit... anyway...

... wouldn't you be so so sorry? wouldn't you apologise and say you didn't mean it rather than get angry and say they are just out to get you?

I'm trying so hard not to be malicious. And as for The Truth, I'm still figuring out what happened in my head. It's going to take time to admit to myself what might have happened - and to not be flippant with it just because some one else thought it was OK to behave like that.

I know I have not lied.

For goodness sake, All I wanted was a proper apology so my mind can rest and know that it was not abusive.

Silence is not a good sign.

Run Forest..

:-) I've bought trainers. :-)

In 2 hours I'm off to "salsa aerobics".. Groovy!

Then I'm going to a Buddhist meditation ceremony with Bill.

and then, I'm going to The Pub.

----------------------------------

Bruises on neck are now yellow, I look like a Simpson. Hips are still sore.

Its 16:30...

.... and I haven't cried today. yet.

oh. my. goodness.

I have an interview at Oxbridge for a PGCE in Secondary maths!!!!

I jumped up and down in glee...

... then I burst into tears because I couldn't tell Jon.

It was his idea in the first place.

(thank you)

sometimes you only have to ask

"I think I need some help, some one to talk to"
"we have a free appointment next week with a counsellor, would you like that?"
"Yes. Yes please"
"would you like a tissue?"
"Uh huh"

please ignore my last post

Where do I start?

3 weeks ago.

I had a miscarriage. I didn't know what was happening. I didn't know I was pregnant. I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to speak to Jon.

He didn't want to talk about it, So we didn't. One of his ex's in the past had miscarried before, so I didn't want to make a big deal out of it.

I was going through hell. alone.

I thought that this weekend (the first I'd seen him since all of this) would be the one that saved us. Instead it was the one that destroyed us.

On Saturday I met up with him at Ally Pally with Amanda. He was on duty.

He looked at me like I was a piece of rubbish.

No Kiss. No cuddle.

My heart broke right there in front of him, and he knew it.

I was so embarrassed that I had to introduce "This" as my other half to one of my friends. Inf act I am so often embarrassed to introduce him. He can be so self centered and righteous.

We didn't talk that night.

Or Sunday.

Monday morning it ended. We had the big fight. We cried. We watched it fall apart. We admitted defeat. Then we went for a cup of tea.

He kissed me.

I asked why.

"Because I can"

I thought maybe.. just maybe...

We laughed. We smiled. We kissed. I stopped him. "I'm not doing this if you're just going to ask me to leave straight after"

"No baby, this is not break up sex"

He pushed me and was so rough I didn't know what to do. I've got bruises round my neck, and on my face where he..

.. He told me to go. After all that. He lied.

I slapped him, as hard as I could.. knowing it would still not hurt as much as he had hurt me.

I ran to the bathroom. I was bleeding. I got dressed.

I threw the toothbrush at him.

I left.

I text him mum.

I rang Matt. He told me to come see him at work. I told him everything.

I had to drive all the way home.

A dark moment had me looking at the oncoming traffic for a little too long.

His mum rang me. We cried. She's text me a lot since. Turns out she's been through something similar.

I'm home. I run out of the car and into Jame's room. He holds me for hours while it all spills out. He's angry I can tell.

I feel like someone has be draining me for the last year and a half, and although I let go, they might have broken me already.

I hope he's OK.

Things I've bought today

1. 26" LCD HD tv. £270
2. Free view box. £20
3. Cables: £20
4. DVDs: £30
5. Food: £40
6. Clothes: £30
7. Jewelry: £10
8. A day spent with a true Friend ( Bill) who listened to everything, let me buy everything I wanted to and spent 4 hours in Asda with me. So very very priceless.

so much more than...

... just a toothbrush.

Jon's bought me a pink toothbrush to replace the one he threw away last time we argued.

:-)

the best thing is that he went out especially to buy it.

He's so lovely... and he cuddled me ALL last night.

swoon.