Bang

That was me being shot.

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From: Jon Delaunt
Sent: 18 November 2007 18:37
To: Jennifer Watson
Subject: RE: The super information highway

The first & second of three articles on http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plait may be of interest to you as to describe the origin of the word “plait”. Being close to the word “pleat” it has been contrived into the way we know it now.

I’m going to ring you, if that’s alright?



From: Jennifer Watson
Sent: 18 November 2007 18:49
To: Jon Delaunt
Subject: RE: Plait really should not have an "I" in it.

Nowhere. Is the sensible answer.


From: Jon Delaunt
Sent: 18 November 2007 18:37
To: Jennifer Watson
Subject: RE: The cat just bit me

No really, she had a proper munch on my hand. I probably shouldn’t have been annoying her.

There are lots of things that I still do/say/think that remind me of you. Just little silly things that have developed over time. I guess old habits are hard to break! I don’t want Michelle to plait my beard or search for grey hairs (which wouldn’t take long). There’s only one person who did that.

Where are we going with this? We keep saying things that we shouldn’t say and that are going to get us into trouble.


From: Jennifer Watson
Sent: 18 November 2007 17:29
To: Jon Delaunt
Subject: RE: Isn't the weather cold?!

Shit. What have I done? You’re right – don’t tell anyone I said that – I’d never go for Matt. And now I can’t think of anything to say. I could claim to have seen a different side to him, but I haven’t. I could say that it’s got nothing to do with the fact that if I can’t have you I’ll bloody well have the next best thing, but you’ll see right through me wont you? I just wanted to be wanted. I guess I just didn’t admit by whom.

You, jealous? You must be not feeling like yourself!

Again RE: team playing, if I’m honest I don’t think you can do anything from the friend side of the fence. And that only leaves the other side, and we’re not going there. Stale mate really.

You know I never knew you even noticed my Friday message? Did you know that my phone is devoid of silly jokes? (god this email is taking ages, and I haven’t even written anything) . I’m currently hating all the beard jokes and hair cut teasing routines we have, cause they’re all on the tip of my tongue. Maybe I should tell Michelle to plat your beard for you, or search for grey hairs.

I put the milk in first in my tea now, did you know that? Don’t know why I just thought of that.

You always looked lovely to me, big beard and all.

Sorry, I don’t think I should have said that. Why haven’t I deleted it…

From: Jon Delaunt
Sent: 18 November 2007 17:07
To: Jennifer Watson
Subject: RE: I've changed the bloody subject

I thought I wouldn’t read it again as well, but I’d been on the go for 22 hours and was going a LITTLE bit crazy. I didn’t quite understand that you just needed a distraction, but at that time of the morning, my brain couldn’t quite fathom that you’d always said you wouldn’t go for Matt and I got very confused and felt a bit… weird. I’m still trying to work out what that feeling was, because I don’t want to admit that it was jealousy. Ok, so I just did, but don’t tell anyone.

Re: acting as a team, I know what you mean. It would have been so much easier wouldn’t it? I have been doing a lot of thinking (especially after our two and three quarter hour phone call last Thursday) and realised that some of what you said was true and fair, some of it was not, some of what I said was helpful, some wasn’t. Even if I don’t want anything else, I honestly think I should be helping you get through this. But the reality is that I don’t know what to do.

As for what I want…. Yeah, I need to know what it feels like to be attractive again. I haven’t shaved, my beard needs a trim and my hair is getting stupidly large. You would, if nothing else, at least laugh at that. I tried combing my hair, shaving and putting shirt & trousers on for work, but it didn’t do anything. In fact, I looked like a bloody mess at work this week. Same as you, I don’t expect pity, but I don’t think there’s anyone to make an effort for. At least, no one who would appreciate the effort. And Friday came & went and I stared at my phone again, knowing full well that a message would not appear asking how my students did, but I stared all the same. I’m a bit of a mess as well by all accounts. James didn’t know what to do with me last night in the truck, except (for once!) stop talking at me and just keep quiet!! Perhaps I should appear truly miserable more often! Oh, and the worst part? No one around to understand why (even if there is no real reason) I am grumpy. Michelle (*his housemate*) just gave me a funny look.

And I don’t think you’re being a Drama Queen. And I’m certainly not going to do the patronising thing of saying, “there, there, chin up, that’s a good show.” Which, if anyone has done to you, feel free to let loose a four-letter tirade of abuse at them!

I haven’t really achieved anything with this e-mail. I certainly haven’t answered any of the relevant questions. Oh bugger.

Incidentally, you know my blog has gone invite-only? No one has been invited. And I still haven’t posted a single thing.



From: Jennifer Watson
Sent: 18 November 2007 16:35
To: Jon Delaunt
Subject: RE: *Delete this please*

Sorry you read all that. I did check before hand, and you hadn’t read it for ages, I thought.. well.. you wouldn’t.

Here’s something that’s not on that bloody blog:

I needed to feel attractive, sexy, like a woman again. Not like someone who still can’t sleep and has leaped to the front of a 3 week queue for counselling because she is so messed up. ( don’t pity me please.. I don’t say this to make you feel bad) So I tarted myself up and threw myself at the nearest bloke who I knew was slightly interested. It didn’t work… I just looked like a fool. A confused fool. Don’t you see that I needed to distract myself?

Any way. Enough of my embarrassments.

What do I want? Good question. For none of this to have happened? Maybe. To be able to get through The Thing as a team, like we always said? Always. To stop pretending that I’m ok? No. Cause then I have to admit how much you not being here still hurts. I’m doing a brilliant job of pretending. Guess Drama Queens run in the family.

What do you want?

J

From: Jon Delaunt
Sent: 18 November 2007 16:06
To: Jennifer Watson
Subject: RE: *Delete this please*

I’ve been thinking since you sent this e-mail about what to say back. I just don’t know what you want to hear, as you said.

I did something I shouldn’t have done last night. I got in from Red Work around 04:30 and in a confused and rambling state read your blog. I don’t know what to do, think, say or anything. I should not have read it, because I did not sleep at all well thereafter. It just totally messed with my head.

What do you want? That’s the easiest way for me to gauge what I am supposed to say: to know what I am aiming for at least.



From: Jennifer Watson
Sent: 13 November 2007 17:04
To: Jon Delaunt
Subject: *Delete this please*

I know you don’t want to speak so I didn’t ring.

However much I think about what happened, and what we said, this is not about that.

I know you don’t care about me anymore, though maybe if you’re reading this you do.

I’m a mess.

I nearly drove to see you today. I know, daft eh.

I can deal with what happened at the weekend, but I can’t deal with the miscarriage. I’m trying, I really am. But I’m so alone. I feel like I’ve lost everything.

I know you don’t know what to say.

I know you don’t know what I need.

I just need you.

X